Knowledge is Power

Reality bites. So I’m not talking about the movie, even though it was a good one, I’m talking about my reality. I want to emphasize the word “my” because it is my reality and usually that is way different then someone else’s. My insecurities, experiences, beliefs, feelings, and knowledge color my reality. Sometimes I see the world through rose-colored glasses and other days the world is a dark dreary place but either way, it’s my reality.

The truth. The truth is a funny thing within my reality. I’m always seeking the truth from others and think I give a good effort in telling others the truth as I see it but the ultimate “truth” is- I hate “the truth”. The truth typically spins my reality into total chaos and leaves me sitting on my patio in my Mickey Mouse Pjs wishing to be somewhere else. The truth never really sets me free; it doesn’t bring us closer together; and never provides me with any comfort and understanding. The truth is cold and uncaring. Rarely does it provide forgiveness.

I recently sought what I thought I needed to hear from someone in my life with whom I was spending a lot of my time. With the preface of, “I didn’t want either of us to get hurt and I was waiting for the right moment”, I got the truth. Thinking you know something and then having it validated is not a satisfying moment because until that moment, I had only thought, not knew. The problem is, I now don’t know what to do with it.

So last night armed with my new found knowledge, I did what I do best- I went to bed. I didn’t yell or cry; I didn’t text or call all of my friends and confidants to share the news; and more importantly, I didn’t deal with it. I simply said that I needed some time to think and very calmly and rationally, I hung up the phone and went to find a hiding place in dreamland.

So I woke up this morning (not quite feeling like P diddy) and swam. I swam like the Dory that I am. I was eager to not think or feel. I sought the relief the cold water could bring and the release a good workout provides. I might have had one of my best swims to date. The only problem is, I still haven’t dealt with my reality and my new found truth.

But as I said from the beginning, it’s my reality and at this point, I am choosing to ignore the truth as long as I can. I have a feeling that like most things, this too will come back soon enough to bite me.