That Song in my Head

I love music. I can’t sing a note and I don’t play a musical instrument other then banging my steering wheel but I appreciate and relate to music. I grew up in a family of musicians. My Pop-Pop always called himself a “professional". He could play it all- classical, jazz, and I remember his Dixieland Band. He wrote music for the Miss America Pageant, performed on the Steel Pier and my father would tell me the story of Pop-Pop clearing the living room for band practice. My father is also a musician. He'd tell you that he was on the field for every football game in high school- granted he was in the band but that was his claim to fame. I grew up learning the different church hymns from my father and listening to the classics. I love music.

It’s not just the beat for me. While I do like to rock it out with a “jamming tune”, I am a lyrical poet at heart. I’m all about the words. I relate music to my life. I have a song for everything. I was the kid in school that made all those compilation tapes that were labeled people or dates. I still make those lists but now via iTunes. A good song has the ability to make me happy or make me sad. I can hear a certain song and remember where I was or what I was doing at a specific time. I am a constant movie soundtrack.

I’m sharing this information with you because I seem to share a lot of song lyrics on my blog and I wanted you-the reader- to understand why. Music, most of the time, puts my thoughts and feelings into words eloquently. Typically when something happens, a good party, a fight, a broken heart, the loss of a friend, the first thing I think of is the soundtrack that should be playing in the background. Music allows me to either enjoy or wallow in those feelings.

This past weekend I had the joy of celebrating with Alex her awesome 5K swim- she took first place in the Masters Women category for the state. I also got to spend some time with Pam after her successful surgery and praise God for the wonder of modern medicine. I read in church for all the old women to hear and I met some new people at the young adults’ cookout. I had the hottest date on Friday night, Jordyn (Casey’s son) and I saw Shrek 4 and enjoyed laughter and Mario later.

I also watched a friendship between two people I care about hit a rough patch. I didn’t pick a side but have begun questioning my own role in this play. While I understand that arguments can lead to insecurities and doubts, I’m not sure that my role is to provide comfort or assurance right now. This is not my fight. This fight has raised some interesting questions and has forced me to think about what I want but I am refusing to “write that love song”.

Ok…. Here’s where I share the soundtrack to my life. Ever since the weekend, this song has been stuck in my head and speaks to me in a way that makes me happy. It reminds me that I don’t need to be backed into a corner. Those are someone else’s doubt and insecurities. God knows I have enough of my own to deal with. So for today, I am not writing you a love song.

“Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Made room for me
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you ask for it
'Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song
Today
Today

I learned the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

(Chorus)

Promise me
You'll leave the light on
To help me see
With daylight my guide gone
'Cause I believe
There's a way
You can love me
Because I say

(Chorus)
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason to write you a love song
Today"

Sara Bareilles