Personal Math

I actually wrote this post last Tuesday- June 1st. Sorry it has taken me several days to get it up. Several more life events have occurred since this post but I figured I'd start with this one.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog. I’ve had the normal ups and downs. Last week I swam 2 miles in one workout, a personal best. I took the week off from lifting and got in some good cardio. Alex and I discovered a new bike route and have enjoyed that scenery several times. I’ve attended several parties and enjoyed the company of some of my favorite people. I’ve watched movies, played cards, and eaten out with friends. Some really good moments.

But along with the good, comes the bad. But this time, with the bad came some self discovery. This past holiday weekend, I learned a lot about the type of person I am and the kind of person I want to be. I have always struggled with self-confidence, I mean in some way we all do. My struggle usually involved accepting what was given to me and never feeling as if I deserved more or better. I was typically happy collecting the crumbs under the table. That was how most of my relationships functioned. I never asked for more then what was given and I never felt like I deserved better then I got. I believed I was “lucky” to get what I had.

Well, this weekend I learned that I don’t have to settle and accept what I am given. I deserve to get what I want. I didn’t feel “lucky” to get what I had but instead I felt angry. As I walked around my apartment yesterday afternoon picking up the pieces of my life from the weekend, a quote was stuck in my head. Casey keeps this hanging on her wall in the office and I’ve read it a million times, but for some reason yesterday it stuck.

"If people aren’t multiplying you,
then they’re dividing you…
If they’re
not adding to you,
then they’re subtracting from you."

Rev. Run

I needed to remember this yesterday. As I sit here writing this blog, I keep doing the math in my head. I am finding that past and present, there are people in my world that don’t add up. Basic math.

The Fear

I've been thinking about this blog post a lot the past few days and this afternoon as I was half sleeping and sitting on the patio watching the rain, it came to me. A few months ago after the Women's Retreat I posted about my "issues" with believing and trusting in people. I had become desensitized to the words that others speak to me. When I thought about it back then, it troubled me. I wondered when I had become jaded and cynical. As part of my letting go and letting God, I was going to work on my trust issues and forming deeper relationships with others.

I'm not sure I've done a good job of working on this issue but I have come to some more understanding about myself. Alex made a comment to me the other week that struck home. Thanks Alex. She called me loyal. I've been thinking about that all week. I am loyal. I do have deep friendships and I believe in being good and true to those in my life that have become important to me. Sometimes even to the detriment of myself.

So what does one issue have to do with the other and where am I going with my ramblings? I believe I am not as jaded and cynical as I once thought. I am going to throw a new word out there- cautious. Part of me wants to believe and find the best in others but part of me always will hold back until my cautiousness is proved otherwise. I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I break easily even though my tough attitude and exterior give off a different vibe. When I care, I care deeply. When I love, I give what I have. When I find a friend, I work hard to build that relationship. I remain loyal. I need to be cautious because the fall down is usually very steep.

I got a call today that I was expecting but it didn't make it any easier to hear. The sad part was that it validated my cautiousness. It reminded me of why I've been holding back, why I don't always answer the phone and why I'm afraid. Sometimes I need those reminders.

As I hung up the phone and listened to the rain, a song began to play in my head. I ran in and grabbed my Ipod. For today I'll let the chorus speak to me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to give it another chance but for today I'm holding on to my cautiousness.

"I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm
meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear"

(The Fear, Lily Allen)

The Morning After

What a weekend! I actually started this blog Sunday night but decided I needed sleep way more then I needed to write about the weekend. Hence the title. I figured I would leave it because I think I am still suffering from the "morning after".

It was a crazy time. Friday started with good Chinese food, jello making and watching the "old" Robin Hood with Kevin Costner. I love that movie. I am old enough to own it on DVD and VHS. Saturday morning I caught up with Alex and got in a good swim. I really meant to make spin class but "life" got in the way and I slept through it.

Saturday afternoon saw the party getting under way. It was such a good time. I really enjoyed catching up with Alex's family, meeting new friends and celebrating Adam's great accomplishments. The jello was a hit as always. It led to some insanity and as Alex put it, some stories that are not "blogger appropriate". I got a little crazy but as always it was in good fun!
Sunday morning I managed to drag my body to church. I needed that. I went home and made my famous pancakes and then I met Alex at the gym in the afternoon because it seemed our ride was going to be rained out. We had fun catching up, telling stories and trying to digest the crazy times we had.

The Morning After Effect- I have this thing after a night of good fun and drinking. I think I reach such a happy place and have so much fun that the following day is always a tough one for me. I feel the let down. I'm moody and usually cranky! Two days later, I think I am still cranky. I went to the doctor's yesterday for what I thought was the start of an earache. It turns out that its not my ear but my throat. I have strep throat and am on house arrest until the medicine kicks in.

I have managed to catch up on some much needed sleep. I am also working on my next game plan. I need to get back on the weight loss wagon. I need to stop looking for magic and stop depending on my training to do it. An old friend once told me that I can workout every day and burn a ton of calories but if my eating is out of whack, I won't lose this weight. I hate to admit it but I think she's right. I don't think its as easy as calories in vs. calories out but I need to focus on the food. Find the right combination to fuel my workouts but still lose the weight. I got into the habit of denying that "everything" counted. Well, everything does count. The marshmallows, Chick-fil-a ice cream, Now & Laters, etc- you get the point. Now I just need to put the plan into action. My goal is to lose 25 pounds before the next triathlon at the end of July.

I'm looking for accountability here. I figured if I put it out there, I am bound to work towards it. So that's my goal. The "Morning After" brought a lot of things but one of the main lessons learned involved clarity.

Always Waiting on the Other Shoe

It's been a busy week. Slightly crazy and out of control at times. Filled with putting the pieces together after White Lake. I've resumed workouts, step classes, and have begun making new plans. It's been wonderful. In the past week, I went on a great bike ride, ran a 5K, braved the pool water again, and have rediscovered the joy I find in the weight stacks. What more could I have asked for?


This past weekend was the kind that (as Alex put it) makes your face hurt because you spend so much time smiling and laughing. I enjoyed pizza and good conversation with good friends on the front lawn. I saw one of my favorite little people play baseball and eat sunflower seeds. I won a door prize at the 5K- my very own "Rush Pack". Just what I needed, a new towel, water bottle, and t-shirt. A random text at the teeter found me eating frozen yogurt in the sunshine and catching up with friends. I ate a delicious 5 Guys burger on the sidewalk patio while stealing french fries and sweet tea. The banter and laughter flowed like the juice from the burger and even when the temperature dropped, no one wanted to go home.


I joined the church Sunday morning with my mother and a good friend standing at my side. I received hugs and greetings. Good cheer. I was welcomed into the church with open arms. I had one of the best Mother's Day in years. I got to spend it with a woman who as I get older, the relationship gets better. My mother and I shared stories, gossip, and laughter on Sunday. We drove over to my brother's to help my nephew celebrate another year and enjoyed quality family time. Good dinner, good friends, and a good evening.


The past week has been the type that scare me. The pessimist in me continues to look around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for a lie, a misstep, or anything that will pop the cloud I am riding and bring me back to the ground. I'm trying to stay positive. Focus on the good. But if I stop and think too long, I realize that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The Battle at the Lake

What a weekend. I could write about many things. I could talk about watching Alex compete in her half iron man. Seeing her struggles, triumphs and feeling her pain. I could describe Kathy's amazing swim or the feelings I had as I watched people in many shapes and sizes cross the finish line or the faces of those that didn't. I probably could spend an entire blog writing about what it meant to me to have my mother there this weekend. To have her support and love. As I went to get into the water, she hugged me and told me she loved me. A true defining moment. But for today, I'll just tell you about my first triathlon experience.

I woke up early Sunday morning, ready to get going. I ate my oatmeal (cause it makes me happy) and proceeded to gather everything together. My nerves were tight. The unknown. I had expectations and ideas but the reality was so much different. We arrived at the center and I set up my transition area. I got my timing chip, my body markings and was ready. I went to put air into my bike tires and learned I had a broken stem. I had just taken my bike in for a check-up last week. I was mad. Ellen convinced me to get the bike tech to change the tire for my peace of mind. I did. All that was left was to wait.

I walked out to the dock where the swim ends to look at the course. From the edge of the dock, I convinced myself that this was doable. That I could do this. I knew if I could make it through the swim, I would finish. I was so scared.

At 8am we headed over to the dock where the swim would begin. I was in the 7th wave. Shannon and Val were in the 5th. Everyone was so encouraging. Telling me I could do this. After the first few waves left, I wanted to get into the water. It was cold. I swam around for a few minutes warming up and then waited. At this point, I thought I would be physically sick. The twins wave left and soon it was my turn. I looked over at the girls around me and said outloud, "we can do this". Then we started. I got in a few good strokes. I might have been almost to the first buoy when I lifted my head to look forward and my goggles were fogged up. I went to put my feet down to clean them and realized I could no longer touch the bottom. I did the best I could with one hand. As I went to swim again, water was seeping into my eyes. This would be about the time the panic set in. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. My heart rate monitor said my heartbeat was normal but I was grasping for air.

I moved along with a doggie paddle, sometimes a breast stroke and what I termed the frog stroke. When I hit the first buoy, a girl was clinging to it. I looked at her and said,"we've got this". She never responded but looked at me with this incredible fear in her eyes. It might have mirrored my own. It wasn't long that a kayak approached me and asked if I needed help. I made sure that I wouldn't be disqualified for hanging on and then I grabbed on for dear life. I was scared, grasping for breath and at this point still telling myself I could do this. I wanted it so bad. Worked so hard.

I eventually talked myself off the kayak and swam a little more. I'm not sure how many times I stopped but I eventually made my way to the first triangle. This seemed to become my pattern. I would swim and then I would cling for dear life to a kayak. At one point, I thought about giving up but I couldn't. With each kayak, came more grasp for breaths and more apologies. I would attempt to explain that I had trained for this. That I was sorry to be clinging for dear life. That as I clung to their boat, I felt like I was cheating. I felt like I was letting down Alex who worked with me all those months and Kathy who swam with me every Wednesday morning. They taught me better then this. On the last leg of the triangle, I was clinging to a kayak and the lifeguard introduced himself as Todd. He asked me my name and tried to calm me down. I really believed he thought I could finish. He listened to my story, my tears. He motivated me enough to let go and move on. I grabbed onto one more kayak, Hannah and she encouraged me the rest of the way in.

As I hit the ladder to exit the water, I felt a host of emotions. Relief-to be out of the water. Disappointment that I spent over 45 minutes in the water. Anger at myself for panicking in the water. And finally sorrow. I was so sorry. As I half walked/ran down the dock I saw my friends and mom cheering me. I looked at Kathy and Alex and I can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like, "I'm sorry." I remember Kathy following me to the transition area. I refused water from the volunteers. I couldn't even stomach the thought of water. I reached my transition area and looked at the bike. This was my favorite part. I was still in panic mode and would stay there the entire race. But I got ready to ride.

And boy did I ride. Considering that I pretty much treaded water for 45 minutes, I was happy with my ride. I never caught my breath but I did enjoy the ride. I couldn't eat or drink anything but I made up some of the time I lost in the water. It felt good. I was even able to smile.

When I completed the bike portion, I headed back to the transition area for the run. My legs were done. I quickly got ready and off I went. I just wanted to finish. I walked the first portion and realized that I needed to do something different. I thought of Alex. So I decided to walk for a minute and then run for a minute. After a few minutes, I knew my legs could not handle that pace. So I opted to run for 30 seconds and walk for 30 seconds. I completed the entire run that way. Never deviating until I ran in to the finish line. I still couldn't eat or drink anything so I was completely out of gas but I made it.

I don't even have words right now to describe the feelings I had as I went across the line. I'm still coming to terms with some of them. I learned a lot about myself on Sunday. I'm not a quitter. I knew I would finish it. It might not be the way I wanted to but I still made it. I have more work to do and I need to replan my "road map" but I'll be back in the water. It didn't win. It just knocked the breath out of me for a while.