Game On!

Well, I made it out of the house today. I met Alex at the Wendover Rush to swim since Brassfield's pool is out. There were times during the drive I didn't think I'd make it but it was well worth the drive. I had a great swim today. After a complete day of rest it felt amazing to be in the pool and moving my muscles. I still had some panic in my breathing but I've come a long way. We worked on my breaststroke and I learned a lot about it. We also played pool-golf which was fun! Whoohoo! We hit the spin bike for a 40 minute somewhat easy ride. I was anxious to get my errands done and get home before the temp dropped.

Sunday has always been my planning day. I get ready for a new week. I am declaring that the game is on this week! I eat healthy as it is but this week, I am really going to focus on clean eating and watching my nighttime eating. I seem to not eat enough through the day and then try to make up for it at night.

I also start lifting again after taking last week off. The week off was rough which was probably more mental then anything. My muscles were actually a little sore and I could "feel" them recovering. I know. That sounds strange but its true. I also swear my muscles got bigger! I might be on to something with this rest thing. :)

I also bought two new pairs of running shoes today. I am very excited about that and am looking forward to logging some miles in them. I usually buy one pair and then wear them until they expire but with all this different training, I figured I earned two pairs.

So here's my schedule for the week: My goal is to get 2 swims, 2 bike rides, 3 runs (2 short/1 long):
Monday- AM- Chest/Back PM- Short Run
Tuesday- AM- Leg Day! :) PM- Spin
Wednesday- AM- Swim PM- Step or Cardio
Thursday- AM- Shoulders/Biceps/Triceps PM- Long Run
Friday- AM- Cardio Leg Day! PM- rest
Saturday/Sunday- Swim/Short Run/Ride (spin)/Rest

That's the plan! I've been putting together my new lifting routine tonight and am going to try some new things. I'm also meeting Alex in the morning to take her through a total body circuit! Should be fun!

But the game is on this week! Gotta get ready for the Super Bowl!! Put me in coach, I'm ready to play! :)

Snowed In

First, I'll apologize for my long post and the ramblings. Being snowed in with the kitty will do that. I was suppose to party tonight. Redo the new year because it hasn't been that kind so far. But Mother Nature had the last laugh this weekend. Snow. And more snow. I hate snow. Always have. Since childhood it always seems to screw up my plans. I can almost guarantee that if I get married, no matter the date, it'll snow. Ahh well. Making the best of a bad situation.

So about 6pm I opened a bottle of wine. I don't drink much anymore. It's been about three months since I really tied one on. I learned a hard lesson that night. But alcohol has this strange effect of removing one from reality while bringing reality closer. Two bottles of wine later, I have determined that I am a messy person. Not physically messy but emotional. I expect a lot from people. I desire the same care and love that I give others. Which if you know me, is unrealistic. I am an all or nothing person. If you're in my world, I give you what I have. I don't place limits or boundaries. I care and love with what I have.

Throughout my life, this has created problems. I seem to be the one who loves more and in the end, hurts more. I really do believe that I deserve the care and love that I desire but I seem to give myself away too easily.

Ok... even with all this wine in me, I know I need to move away from this topic. I have people in my life and have made some really good friends in the past few months. Friends that care about me. That's what's important. I'm working on cleaning up my messiness but I think that's what makes me who I am.

Hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow. Still need one more swim this week and another run. Think I might be riding with Alex too!! Fun!

Thanks for listening... Damn snow...

Dreaming Outloud

We all dream. Sometimes we dream outloud and sometimes we hold those dreams close to our hearts where no one can see them. Some dreams are silly in nature (winning the lottery, marrying Brad Pitt) and some are rooted in reality. I once read somewhere that a goal is a dream put to action. I like that. Our goals are our dreams.

I proposed last week to my fellow coworker Stephen that we run a half marathon in the fall. I also tossed the idea around to my boss Larry. Both run the Gobbler with me every year and in the warmer months, log some good road miles. A half marathon is one of the things that stands between me and a half ironman. The ability to make it through 13.1 miles. This is a dream. I recently put my dream of completing a triathlon into a goal by registering for White Lake and putting my money where my mouth is. I am now working towards that goal. I have a plan.

So we selected a half marathon in Myrtle Beach. It's new and looks wonderful. The date is at the end of October. So I have gotten Stephen thinking about it and I believe Larry somewhat excited about it. Neither had ever completed such an event and I believe it could be one of their "unspoken" dreams. I was talking to Stephen today and he had gone as far as creating a training schedule. I was super excited. His response was that he was good at making plans but not so good at the follow through. We decided that we need to determine by the end of April if we were in. (I was ready to sign-up today) Stephen made the comment that I tell everyone my plans before they're plans.

I thought about it. I do. When I start to work towards a goal, I am very vocal about it. I do this for several reasons. First, you never know who can help you with your goal. By telling others about it, they have the option of assisting you. Second, by telling others I am somewhat showing pride in my goals. They are important and I want others to know that. The third reason is accountability. I need to be held accountable. I want people to stop and ask me how my training is going. Also by registering and committing with money to something, I know that I'll do my best to reach that goal. Quitting is never an option.

I believe some dreams need to be spoken outloud. It's the only way that they can become goals and reality. I am dreaming of completing a half marathon and I am working towards making it a goal. These thoughts get me moving at 4am when my alarm goes off when I'd rather stay warm and snuggie in dreamland. Dreamland is a comfortable place. Sometimes our goals aren't.

Fat Blindness

Busy day. Had a good swim this AM. It was good to have Kathy back. Alex mixed it up this morning for us. Tonight I took step with Mike which is always fun and got in 20 minutes of stairmaster intervals before class. Came home and fell asleep while I was putting on my Pjs. I was tired. My body needed the rest. I was also frustrated and upset because I had a conversation with my WW leader, Linda. I love Linda. She has helped me and kept me motivated throughout this journey but tonight I got mad. We were talking about those damn 55 pounds. And while my pants may fit, Linda does believe she can see that I've gained weight.

Fat blindness. We all have body image problems. Rarely do we look in the mirror and see what everyone else and the world sees. I see current pictures of myself and still wonder who that girl is. When I look in the mirror, I see a girl who weighs 445 pounds. On a good day, she might weigh 300 but either way, she is no true reflection of the person I really am. I rarely see the muscles I am building or the collar bones trying to make an appearance. I see the fat. I admit this is a problem and I am always trying to look in the mirror and see the changes. Some days are easier then others.

Getting on the scale last week and seeing that overall gain from last year sent me on a downhill spiral. In my mind, it validated what I see in the mirror. It allowed me to say, "see I told you I was fat. See what the scale says and the scale doesn't lie." So for the past week I have been beating myself up. Accepting and wearing those 55 pounds. Tonight when Linda told me that she could see where I had gained weight only made it worse.

I want to be more then that number on the scale. I want to remember my other victories and celebrate them. But I fear in doing that, I am only blind to the fact that I am gaining weight and I must be doing something wrong. I'm struggling tonight. I don't want to be blind but when I stare at the number, it becomes all consuming.

I have no answers and I'll weigh-in tomorrow at WW. Maybe the scale will be kind. I already know the mirror's not.

Putting Air in the Tires

Today was a good day. It started with a 15 mile ride on the spin bike jamming to some good tunes. I hopped off the bike and jumped on the treadmill to run 3.1 miles. Much to my amazement, I made it. Nice slow and steady run and I only walked twice for a minute each time. It felt good.

This put me in a good mood for work (late for work) but ready to tackle the day. Work was good. Had a meeting with Council this afternoon that was what it was but ended early much to my amazement. This enabled me to hit Kiernen's spin class this evening. She teaches the most challenging spin I've ever taken. Not sure if it's the history between us or just her nature but I work harder in that class then I do in any other. It was a great ride and a good end to my day.

I almost allowed myself to hit an unhappy place after class but I refused to end such a good day in that fashion. There are some things I can't change but I can overcome. There are some relationships that are worth fighting for and there are other's you learn that the only thing to do is let go. I suck at letting go. I'm always the last one to leave a party or end a call. But it has been 3 months of silence in this friendship and all I can do is let go. Hopefully this will bring me peace. I miss the friendship and the good times but I need to let go before I allow this anger and the hurt I feel to overshadow the good memories.

Tomorrow brings the pool and another attempt at being Nemo. Should be fun! Alex put together another challenging workout. Kathy's back to swim with me!!! Whoohooo.

But a day like today puts air in my tires so that I can keep riding and moving forward. Today was a good day and I foresee a good day in the weather forecast tomorrow.

Bone Tired

I am tired. It's been a long week and it's only Monday. I decided not to lift weights this week and instead focus on my running, cardio and some other drills. So this morning, I hit the cardio hard for 70 minutes. It was a great way to start the day! I got my endorphins moving- Casey at work even told me I had to simmer down! I was full of energy this AM and ready to go.

My goal was to take David's spin class tonight and then add some more mileage to the ride afterwards. Well, when I got to the gym, I found out that he wasn't teaching and I don't like the style of the instructor subbing. I ran into Alex who offered to run with me but I didn't want the impact (ran yesterday). Any sane person at this point would have left the gym and gone home. They would have taken it as a sign that maybe rest is needed. But not me. I hit the cardio machines for another 70 minutes of interval work. Once I get going, it's hard to stop.

So now, I'm tired. I have no inspirational thoughts tonight. No deep reflections on the day. Tomorrow AM brings a run and probably a nice ride on the spin bike. Tomorrow at work brings a long day including a meeting to end the day. No gym for me tomorrow night unless we get done early! Ahh well! This is suppose to be my week to recover and let my muscles rest.

But there was no rest today. I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow.

Evacuate the Swimming Pool

Thanks Alex for the great idea for my post title. What a day it's been. It started this am with a great run. I can't believe I am using the words run and great in the same sentence but it was amazing. I hit my stride and increased my speed. Got in two miles in good time for me.

Went to church afterwards and attended a visitor's informational for those who might want to join the church. I really like this church but I could not commit today. Need to pray some more and get more involved. But getting back to church was just what I needed and the people are wonderful. We hit the Teeter Mecca for lunch afterwards. Mmmmm sushi!

I ran home and grabbed my swim gear and headed to my scary swim session with Alex. I was early for once and had to wait for a lane. When one became available, I hopped in and warmed up with a 100 before Alex got there. It was a crazy set that she designed but I needed it! It was a challenge and at times I thought I was either going to die or puke. warm-up was 150- breast(50), back(50), fly(50) then the set- 100 free (pull) 200 free (no pull) 300 free (pull) 400 (no pull but 25 breast/75 free) then 5 min rest. Then 300 free (pull), 200 free (no pull), 100 (pull) (Look Ma- NO FINS!!!)

I was in the middle of the first 200 free when I thought I was going to lose it. But then a deep voice within me started singing- evacuate the dance floor. So that's what I did. I sang (in my head) and swam. It was me and the dance floor. It helped! I got through the set and made ok time. The important thing is that I didn't give up. I focused on each 25. Small steps.

Reminds me of my life. I need to stop trying to rush to the end of everything but focus on the baby steps to get there. When life gets tough, I need to sing my song and just keep moving. Giving up is not an option.

Turn up the music
Let's get out on the floor
I'll like to move it
Come and give me some more
Watch me getting physical, out of control
There's people watching me
I never miss a beat
Oh, oh, evacuate the dancefloor
Oh, oh, I'm infected by the sound
Oh, oh, stop, this beat is killing me

Super Saturday

What a day! It started with the craziness of spending two and a half hours on the back of a spin bike. But that workout reminded me of why I love working out and spend so much time doing it. I was surrounded by good friends, had great music, was on my favorite piece of fitness apparatus- the bike, and I felt strong. It was amazing! We were singing and laughing and working hard. I am constantly amazed at how my body responds when I push it. When I think I have nothing left to give, it always finds a way to give me more.

After spin, I took a much needed nap on the couch with the kitty. I did managed to get up and moving and got all of my weekend errands accomplished. Bought a wireless router and have the laptop up and running. I may never leave the couch! Got my groceries for the week and then on a burst of energy from deep within, I began the cooking process. I am ready for the week ahead. I always like that feeling. I feel in control of my environment and able to handle the food temptations that arise.

Tomorrow brings church and the chance to catch up with everyone. I'll hit the gym in the morning for my last run of the week. In the afternoon, I'll meet Alex for my scary swim session. I wonder what she has planned. She challenges me in a way I need, both in the water and on the bike. Working with Alex makes me want to be a better athlete. This morning, she rode with us and hopped off the bike after 42 miles and then went and ran 2 miles and caught up with us during the cool down. Wow! Running the 2 miles is usually my workout! But I'll get there. Rome wasn't built in a day and I need to remember that before two years ago, I couldn't walk across the street from the parking garage without being out of breath and needing a rest.

Not sure about the rest of my week. I am struggling with what I want to do this week in terms of workouts. I'm strongly thinking about taking a break from lifting for the week to allow for muscle growth and recovery. It would be a good time because I am just finishing my 4th week of my lifting schedule. But I can't imagine not lifting. Its my anchor. Ahh... I'll figure it out. Might try some different cardio drills and work on core and complete some band workouts!

But I am learning the value of rest and recovery. It makes me stronger. And if I have any hope of completing my swim workout tomorrow, I need to go rest now! It really has been a Super Saturday!

I May Never Understand

I didn't post a new blog entry yesterday because I needed a day to digest the events that occurred. I attended my Weight Watcher's meeting at lunch as I have done for almost three years now. I have not "officially" weighed-in(WI) since early December. The scale has not been my friend. That trend continued yesterday. I needed to WI so after my meeting, I stepped on the scale. I was feeling good. I've been tracking my food, eating healthy (even through the holidays), and have increased the intensity of my workouts. The scale owed me a good number. What I got instead was a swift kick in the butt for all my hard work. According to the scale, I have gained 55 pounds since November of 2008. So not only was 2009 a complete wash but it was a detriment to my weight loss.

Ok. I'm confused. If you had gained 55 pounds, would your pants still fit? Would you be buying smaller sizes? Wouldn't your friends and family tell you that you look like your gaining weight before it got out of control? None of those events have occurred, well, except for buying the smaller sizes. I was angry, emotional, and confused. I worked hard to lose those 55 pounds and I continue to work hard to be healthier and I admit- smaller. As I was standing on that scale, I lost my focus. I forgot about all my other victories. I felt defeated and like a big, fat, weight watcher failure.

The anger I felt was like having the devil on my shoulder. I mean if I am going to gain weight, I may as well eat the buffalo wings and the french fries. Who gains weight while eating veggie burgers, chicken and green beans? I was angry and on my way to an all out bender.

When I got back to work, all teary eyed and mad, my coworker talked me from the ledge. It all comes down to these questions- what are my goals and what do I want? Sure, I would love to be thin. I would love to see a much deserved scale victory. But those goals mean a lot less to me then the goal of completing a triathlon or running a half marathon. One of my greatest victories to date was completing 10 real push-ups. It ranks right up there with riding 100 miles in a single day. In the past three years, my goals have changed. I want to be strong. I want to be an athlete. Losing weight is just a by-product of that.

I'm not happy with those additional 55 pounds and I am going to do everything I can to get rid of them but I refuse to curl up in my Mickey Mouse Pjs and feel like a failure. I didn't binge last night. In fact, I ran 3.1 miles. Granted I was slow but I got them done. It was a great moment. Today I stuck up my middle finger at those 55 pounds by having one of the best cardio leg day workouts yet. I was a beast! It was awesome!

As I was packing up my equipment to finish my workout this morning, an older gentleman who works out in the AM pretty regularly stopped me. He told me to keep up the good work and that I was looking awesome. I wanted to ask him if he needed glasses but instead I accepted the compliment and knew I earned it.

I will never understand those 55 pounds but I will not let them stop me. They will not belittle the hard work that I have put in for the past year and the strides that I've made. I am much more then a number.

Where to Begin?

Where does one begin a blog? I signed up for this a few days ago and since then have been thinking of where to begin. Do I start at the beginning? But what is the beginning? Is it my childhood where I was the chunky little child always trying to fit in? Is it high school? God, I hope not. Most of those years I’d rather forget. Do I start the story from the years after high school? Of course, several of them I have forgotten and those memories are probably best left in the past. College? Those were good years, filled not just with learning but with good friends and good times. I found my place there. Life was good. Do I tell you about the years following college and grad school- the day I walked into Weight Watchers and changed my life or the day I became a member of the Rush gym when at that point, I didn’t know what I was really signing up for?

All of those moments in time have created the person that I am today. I’m sure stories of each of those time periods will come to life in this blog as I share my struggles, triumphs, and good times. Because that’s what this blog is for. To put out there in the cyber world, my struggle. The struggle to find a place, to get physically fit and to finally achieve “goal” weight.

So for now, I’ll start in the present. I am a 33 year old public servant working for a local government in a job that at times I love and others hate and can sometimes do a good job of avoiding. I live with my four legged best friend named Bailey who hogs half the bed at night and who will loudly inform me when his food bowl is empty. I love that cat. He makes me happy.

At last weigh-in I have lost about 215 pounds. At most, I had almost hit 250 pounds gone. But the past year was not kind to me in terms of the scale. I try to blame the weight training and the many muscles I have developed (LOL) but the truth is, life happened. I’ve been at this almost three years in February and I was tired. But that’s another story for another day.

I talk about my weight loss because it is an important part of who I am today. I am constantly planning the next meal or the next workout. This leads me to the next major component of my world- physical fitness. I am a junkie. I admit it. I love it. It challenges me, motivates me, and ultimately makes me happy. From my morning weight training routines to my time on the back of my road bike, I love it all. I am that strange woman on the Stairmaster, who actually smiles as the sweat pours from my being. Happiness. I’m currently training for my first triathlon in May. I’m still coming to terms with the swimming and the running part but I refuse to give up.

I recently starting going to church again. Growing up as an organist daughter, church was always a main part of my life but when I became an adult, I never found a church that “fit”. I like this church. It’s filling a huge hole in my life that needed filling and the people I have met there, remind me that not all friendships have to hurt or be a struggle. Some just have to be. It fits.

So that’s me. I’m not sure where this blog is going but I am going to enjoy the journey to get there.