Life's Instructions

I spent Christmas in Apex with my brother and his family. It was great to watch the kids open up presents and later on figure out how everything worked. My youngest nephew Zach got several video games. As he opened the first one and began to play I pulled out the instruction book that went with it and read about the game. I studied the controls and what moves the different players could perform. Zach on the other hand just popped the game into the system and off he went. Normally this isn’t an issue but these games were slightly more advance and he struggled with the controls and the different moves. After a short while, Zach asked me what I had read. I made him stop the game so I could explain the controls and how to perform the different moves.

That afternoon, we played a board game and as usual, I pulled out the instructions before setting it up to read about how to play. As I was explaining the game to my nephews, Zach looked and me and said, “You like reading instructions.” I thought about it for a minute and then replied, “Yup. I need to. They tell me what to do and I don’t have to stumble around. Also if I tried to figure things out on my own all the time, I might miss out on some part of the game.” Zach nodded and we moved on.

As the day progressed and Zach opened more video games and toys, he would always come find me to read the instructions as he stumbled around on his own for a while. I’ve been thinking about that a lot the past few days. First, my love of instructions and second, my desire to make sure others have the directions they need.

As crazy and free spirited as some might think I am I crave order. I like a regular schedule. I like making lists and writing things down. When I am going on a trip, I always take directions. When I open a new product, I read all the information that accompanied it. In November of 2009, when I was lost and brokenhearted, I looked for instructions. I didn’t realize it then but I do now. I went back to church. I sought the ultimate instructions for my life. Now I can’t say that I always listen to them which is something I should probably work on, but without God’s instructions, I’m really just stumbling around.

I think this is on my mind because on Sunday I will be ordained as an elder. I try not to think too hard about what that means because then I get caught up in what a huge responsibility that is. As an elder I will be chairing the Christian Education Committee. I am excited because of my desire to make sure that others have the directions they need. I have an amazing opportunity to share God’s Word and instructions with others. To make sure that those kids only have to stumble for a little while.

Wow! I guess I need to get back to reading God’s instructions so that I can be up to the task.

Happiness Comes in Small Doses

Ok. I know it’s been several months since I posted on the blog. I had the best of intentions but somehow life got in the way. But I wanted to get in one more post before the end of the year. So for anyone out there still listening here it goes.

When I was in high school one of my favorite comedians was Denis Leary who had a stand up called No Cure for Cancer. I owned the CD and played it over and over. There was a line in it that always cracked me up. It went something like this,

"Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt, you eat the cookie, and you go to sleep, wake up and go back to work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of list!"

Happiness. I was driving down the road the other day and I was thinking about my level of happy. Looking back on 2010, I can say it’s been a good year full of the ups and downs of life. I competed in my first triathlon and half marathon, had knee surgery, added friends, subtracted friends, started and ended a relationship with Mr. Wrong, and found even deeper peace with God and myself. But what prompted my deep reflection on my personal happiness was my lack of it lately.

I had always been the girl who could find happiness anywhere. It was the little things in life that made it great. A good workout, a new song, a long bike ride. But somewhere along the way this year I lost the ability to find the happy. I’m not sure if I was looking for “larger” things to make me happy or if I had allowed others to drive my train but I had stopped finding joy in the little things of life.

As another year comes to an end, I am not going to spend too long reflecting on it. Sometimes I think I get too caught up in the past to really see what’s going on in front of me and there are several things that need to stay where they are- in the past. Instead I am going to plan the possibilities. A new year. A fresh start. A chance to seek out the little things that bring me happiness.

365 days of possibilities. Sign me up! I’m ready!

I Wake Up in the Morning

I’m back! I went to the doctor last Tuesday and I heard the sweetest words ever- “You can start training again.” I was excited. Free to hit the cardio, ride the bike, run a mile. The possibilities seem endless. I know it was only two weeks and I did manage to get in some good swims but I had missed my cardio. The release, the endorphins, the rush. My bike had been sitting in the spare bedroom collecting dust. My running shoes had given up hope.

Since my release, I have enjoyed the stairmaster; I logged several miles in my running shoes and on Saturday I rode my first practice tour ride of the season- all 36 glorious miles. I should be happy. I should be glowing. My knee feels good. It gets sore and I worry about overdoing it but the pain I was experiencing before the surgery is gone. I’m ready to go.

I woke up this morning (I didn’t feel like P.Diddy) and I just wanted to go back to bed. I didn’t want to go to the gym. I didn’t want to design a new workout for my weights. I wanted to crawl back under the covers and forget about it all. I wanted to dream that there was no half marathon waiting for me in October, no Iron Man bike ride in November and even no Tour to Tanglewood in September.

What I really wanted this morning was to wake up, go to the gym, complete one of my insane workouts and enjoy every minute of it. I didn’t want to have to think about saving my legs for a bike ride or a run. I didn’t want to have to map out my week based on getting in certain activities. I didn’t want to train for anything or anyone but me.

I have a one-track mind. I decide I want to do something and I do it. I wanted to go to college and I went. I focused on it and everything else was secondary. I wanted to lose weight and I spent several years living a focused existence on diet and exercise. I wanted to do the White Lake Sprint triathlon and I focused on changing my workouts. I swam more than ever. I was focused.

But I’m tired. I know that Kathy doesn’t expect me to complete the bike portion of Iron Man in a specified time. I know that my fellow runners will just be happy for me to complete the half marathon. And I know that the Tour to Tanglewood is about raising money for a good cause and enjoying the ride. But lately, there is no joy. There is only pressure. Somewhere along the line it’s all become too much about time instead of finishing. As I was riding the bike on Saturday, I had to remind myself that I just had knee surgery but I kept beating myself up about my pace. I needed to be quicker, faster. It wasn’t fun.

I am in good shape but lately I have doubted that. I keep thinking that I need to do more, be more. I don’t like it. I miss the old me. The gym rat. I was training for life not for an event. There was no ribbon tied to it, no cheering section on the sidelines and more importantly, there was joy. I would push myself and my body beyond exhaustion. I didn’t have to worry about how many miles I got in or what my time was. I judge my success by doing more push-ups or lunges then I had before.

I’m not sure what all this means. I just know that I need to find that gym rat again. She did wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy.

Detours

So Casey and I were driving back from Durham on the Freeway almost to the I40 exit when I saw a detour sign for it. There were two trucks in front of me and even though I saw no construction I took the detour and followed them. Well, the trucks were evidently at their exit because I proceeded to lose them after the first 15 minutes. I realized after a while where the road was taking us. Back to Chapel Hill. I was going to turn around but I had already reached the point of no return. I was familiar with the road and during my grad school days had been lost on those back roads before. We drove by an old barbeque place (Allen & Sons) that I remembered fondly. The conversation went something like this- me-“That’s some of the best barbeque ever.” Casey-“Then why are we still driving?” Me-“Did you have lunch?” Casey-“No.” It was at that moment that I made a u-turn on a gravel driveway and headed back to barbeque goodness. It was just what we needed.

I’ve taken a lot of detours in my life lately. I am happy to report that my knee surgery went well. There was a tear and the doctor was able to repair it. The other good news was that he told my mom that my knee was in great shape. He didn’t believe that I was as heavy as I claimed to have once been. I go back next week for follow-up and hopefully for a little more clearance. I am back in the pool and thanks to Alex and Kathy and their creative workouts, I am getting in some cardio. I feel good. I’m walking around and moving without pain. At times I have to remind myself that I had the surgery and to take it easy. But my body is angry. It wants to move. Mentally, I am struggling. I am finding myself moody and emotional. I don’t have the release like I did. I’m working on it. But the surgery was a detour. I didn’t want to take it but I believe it’s going to make me a better athlete.

So Kathy loaned me a book to read while I recovered. I have only made it through a few chapters but something the author wrote stuck with me. The book is called The Shack by William P. Young. The quote, “I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing.” I reread that line several times before I could move on. Detours. A year ago, I never expected to be where I am today. I never expected for the people to be in my world that currently get me through every day and I never expected those who I thought meant the world would be gone.

At times I am sad about those in my life who now are relegated to random texts or complete silence. Every once in a while I remember something that occurred and a wave of nostalgia hits me hard but then I take stock of the life I have. A good life. Like the author wrote most of my hurts and ghost stem from relationships and I have found through new and revisited ones healing. Detours.

If I had turn the car around and gotten back on the Durham Freeway, Casey and I would have missed some good barbeque, sweet tea and amazing hushpuppies. If I had ignored the pain in my knee and tried to work through it, I never would have healed. I might have done more damage and been taken completely out of the game. If I had wallowed in my pain and misery instead of picking up the pieces of my life and moving on, I never would have discovered the meaning of true friendships. I would still be sitting on my patio in my Mickey Mouse Pjs watching the world go by-no barbeque, Five Guys, Feeneys, Wednesday nights, Sunday mornings, triathlons, cookouts, or card games. I needed the detour to find life.

Life is full of detours and I am grateful for them. The back roads are often better then the freeways.

I'm Allright

It’s been a while since my last post and I figured I was due. I just haven’t had much to say lately. Life has been good. I had a great 4th of July weekend minus wrecking the bikes and missing the ride but I got in some quality time with friends on Alex’s front lawn, several good swims, lunch with Casey at my favorite place and I helped celebrate Kathryn’s birthday.

On Saturday morning, as we were heading out to ride in Burlington, I made the mistake of backing into one of Alex’s neighbor’s car. What a morning! There was some damage to the bikes but they have since been repaired and ready to ride again. I learned a valuable lesson that morning. It really is how you respond to something. I wrote about this issue a few blogs ago but never thought I would have to put it into such practice. I remained calm, somewhat cool, and I never cried. I dealt with it. I laughed with Alex over it and I made the best of the situation. It happened. We moved on. Having Alex with me helped. She looked at me and said, “Maybe we weren’t meant to ride. Maybe if we’d ridden, we would have been hit by a car.” Good point. You just never know.

This past week has flown by! I enjoyed another fun Wednesday with Casey and our wings. I followed it up with a great discussion at Guinness and the Good News that I feel very passionate about. I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut! :)

I took my last spin class for a while on Tuesday night. It made me kind of sad. I’m not sure if that’s because of the amazing workout or because it’s my only connection to a past friend. But either way, I’ll miss it and her.

I’m scheduled to have knee surgery on Monday morning. My mom is coming into town Sunday to stay with me. I would say it‘s going to be a good time but I don’t think it’s going to be. I’m scared. I’m being taken out of the game. There are so many questions that are going through my mind right now. The what ifs- what if I lose my muscles, my determination to be fit, my mind? What if I gain all my weight back? What if there is something seriously wrong? I’m trying not to play that game but in the middle of the night, it keeps me up.

It’s going to be a good weekend no matter what. I have several decisions to make and things to think through but I refuse to let them get to me. I am going to push through and enjoy a few good bike rides, some swims, and I might even have to hit the stairmaster one last time.

So I’m ok. I’ll try not to play the “what if” game until the doctor rolls the dice.

Happy New Years!

Ok. I know most of you are wondering what in the world I am talking about but in our world of local government, today starts a new year. It’s that time of the year when Finance begins closing the books, reconciling accounts, and we can finally see how “close” we budgeted the past year. Today, departments are hopeful again. Spending resumes and the city can get back to business. But for the Finance department, it’s a time to look back and “clean-up” the city’s finances.

I’ve never been a big fan of New Year’s. I’ve had some good ones in my past but the whole concept of moving forward and starting a “new” year has been something I struggle with. I don’t make resolutions because to me they are the first thing to go. Amid all of the sparklers, party hats, champagne and Auld Lang Syne the outlook for the coming year looks wonderful. But upon waking the next morning, not only is there the hangover to contend with but there is all the “stuff” from the year before.

Much like our Finance department, someone has to deal with the past. It can’t be ignored and in most cases, until we deal with it, we can’t move on into the “Happy New Year”. As you might have guessed, I’m good at ignoring things. Most days I do a good job of removing things from my reality. But (there’s that damn but again) the things I ignore have a strange way of reappearing when I least expect them or want them to. I’ve been working on this since lent began back in February. I have “cleaned-up “several areas in my life and have taken stock of those things I need to reconcile. I’m a work in progress.

So for today, I am going to celebrate the new year. I’m going to wear my party hat and look forward because I believe that I’ve spent enough time in the past. I have many things in my life to be thankful for- good friends, family, my health, a good job, my church family- and I have many things to look forward to in the coming year- the tour, iron man, wild Wednesdays, half marathon, retreats, etc. If I spend too long looking into the past- I’m going to miss the world in front of me.

Happy New Year everyone! Today let’s celebrate the possibilities and tomorrow we’ll begin the process of closing the books.

The Happy Train

My blog title is dedicated to Casey. My partner in crime in the back corner helped me develop this concept and is always reminding me when I am having a bad day to conduct my own train. It’s a choice. This seems to be a theme in my life at the moment. I have had random conversations with a variety of people regarding attitudes and choices. There was a quote I read once and I think it said something like, “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”

I believe in choices. I believe that we allow ourselves to be influenced by things around us. I have a friend who hates her job. I mean HATES her job. I would think that it’s this particular one but given her history, it’s not about the job but about work in general. She allows this to permeate all areas of her life. Usually by Sunday she has worked herself into a fit because Monday is right around the corner. What a miserable way to spend one’s life. She chooses that path and while I use to feel bad for her, I now just feel sad. She has allowed that job to have way more power than it should.

A job is just that. A job. A means by which we create the resources we need to do the things we love. Some people get lucky and love their job and I’m glad for them. But either way, it is only one component of our lives.

Ok.. got off on a rant there but that is the exact thing that I am referring to. Whether it is a job, a bad relationship, poor weather, lack of funds, a broken car or leaky faucet, it is our reaction to these things that determines our happiness. Now I am not Pollyanna but I don’t like to be miserable and when I am, typically I conducted my own train down that path. I made that choice to let something get to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to take responsibility for ourselves. I hear people making excuses for themselves and others based on people’s reaction to a situation. “She’s having a bad time of it because her husband is out of work. That’s why she’s so mean” Ok… I admit that sucks. But her husband being out of work is no excuse for her meanness. She’s responsible for the meanness. It was her reaction to the situation.

I make excuses all the time. When I’m hungry, I get mean. When I’m sleepy, I get whiny. But I am conducting my own train. Most days I strive for a happy train. Life’s too short to be unhappy and most things that make me unhappy are not worth the effort of being unhappy.

In the words of my buddy Stephen Covey- “Proactive people carry their own weather.” Today’s forecast is sunny with a cool breeze.