The Finish Line

I'm a mess. When I picked my mom up from the train station last night even she noticed my current state of being. I ramble, wonder, forget things, and at any given moment want to sit down and cry. Underneath the nerves and the doubts, I am excited. We leave this morning for White Lake. It was one year ago that I left with Kiernen to watch Ellen race in the half. Tomorrow I'll watch Alex and Kathy participate. They'll be amazing. I have a better appreciation of what the race means and the training involved.

Then there will be Sunday. Have I mentioned that I am a mess? My wave starts at 8:23am. Doubts fill my mind. Am I ready? Did I train enough? Would one more run have helped me? What was I thinking? The last question is the one that I am struggling with the most. I mean who did I think I was. Three years ago I couldn't walk from the parking deck at work so what makes me believe I am ready for a triathlon.

I have spoken with many people about the triathlon. Most are excited and encouraging. They tell me that my fears are unfounded. I'll be fine. Someone even said, "I'd even be able to complete it." That kind of stung. Not that I doubt that they couldn't but in that one statement it was like they were saying I didn't need to train all these months. That this was a simple race.

Sunday's race is anything but simple. I have trained all these months. I have logged the miles in the pool, on the bike and on the road. I am a mess but I'm hoping that I am a well trained mess. This race has come to mean more to me then just another athletic achievement. It's like another milestone in my weightloss journey and becoming the new person I am. No matter what the time is when I cross the finish line, I have achieved greatness.

I have many doubts and many fears but as I leave today I am determined to finish this race. I will cross the finish line (with the tune of Rocky in my head) and I will not let my own insecurities take this moment from me.

Stay tuned.

Sympathy

So we are sitting at the concert last night and the band was getting ready to come out for their encore and I looked over at Kathryn and tried to think of what song they hadn't sung yet. I said to her, "Sympathy" and no sooner were the words out of my mouth, I heard the first few notes of the song. I love the Goo Goo Dolls. They have many powerful songs that touch me and have so many memories attached to them. From the amazing song Name to Iris to Black Balloon, I have laughed and cried through them all. But the song Sympathy holds a special place in my heart. My attachment to the song is a story that is too long for the blog but every time I hear that song, I'm that girl again. The insecure, doubtful, person who is dependent on someone else for my next breath. Always wanting what I don't need and never realizing when life is good.

As I stood there last night among some very amazing women, I refused to think about what is wrong in my world. I refused to ignore the good in my world. Life is good. I have no regrets and I have worked hard to overcome my fears and insecurities. I create my own happiness. Control my own destiny.

Last night was a good celebration of new friendships. A reminder that no matter how life twist and turns, God has a plan that's bigger then me. I'm along for the ride.

"Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from
the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

I wished for
things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you
choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy
to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger than your
sympathy, stranger than your sympathy "

Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Closer Then They Are

Meat Loaf sings a song called that. I remember when it came out. I owned the single on tape. I loved it. The gist of the song is about a buddy of who dies, a father who abuses, and a woman who uses the singer. While no one died, my father didn't abuse me, and I wasn't used by a woman, I relate to the chorus of the song. Each verse ends with the person from the past reappearing in their thoughts. He can see "her rising out of the backseat now like an angel rising up from the tomb."

"But it was long ago and it was far away,
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway,
Then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rear view mirror
May appear closer than they are"

I have had a hell of a week. Last weekend past in a blur of good friends, good margaritas, and good times. In the mist of these good times, my past thoughts and feelings resurfaced like they happened yesterday. Now my normal inclination is to wallow in these feelings. Play all the old sad songs, sit on the patio in my Mickey Mouse Pjs and relive those moments.

But as I reflect on the past week, I need to remember that those feelings and memories are my objects in the rearview mirror. When I look into it, they appear closer and more real then they are. In the great words of Casey, "I'm going to need you to get over that." She's right. If I spend too much time looking into the rearview mirror, I'll miss the view out the windshield.

And based on last weekend, the view out the front is so much better.

What If?

I don't play the "what if" game often. I am a firm believer in not regretting the choices and decisions I make. I learned a long time ago that life didn't come equipped with an eraser. No redo button. I learned to learn from my choices good or bad and enjoy the process.

Yesterday I played the "what if" game. Mom came to see me yesterday. Now before I begin, let me say that I love my mom and I am proud of her accomplishments. I am very lucky to have a mom like her. She has supported me my entire life whether my choices have been good or bad. This blog is not about her directly but about the decision she made.

I joined WW in February of 2007. In the fall of the same year, mom had "full" gastric bypass surgery. I struggled with her decision but I was there during and after the surgery to help her through it. It was by no means easy. But I get angry when I think about the process. Mom didn't have to learn about nutrition. She eats very little veggies. The only thing she doesn't eat is sugar (over so many grams) and she stopped drinking soda. She eats- pizza, wings, etc. just smaller amounts. Mom hit goal weight last fall. I had gained 50 pounds. I can't get the scale to move. I workout like a junkie, eat like a nutritionist and my body refuses to reward me. But mom did in less then 3 years, what I haven't been able to accomplish- goal weight.

Mom wanted to go clothes shopping yesterday for a dress to wear to a wedding. She loves clothes shopping. So I was helping her find something and we went into the dressing room. I was waiting for her to come out and she looked great in one of the dresses we picked. As I stood there looking at her I started playing the game. What if I had chosen the other path? Would I be at goal? Would I be happier and more confident with who I am on the outside? Would I still feel like the largest person in a room full of skinny people?

I can't undo my choice (unless I gain all this weight back). I'm not sure I would change it either. As frustrated and upset as I get at times, I think I am on the path that was meant for me. I'm not sure the "other" path would have lead me to White Lake or the Rush. I not sure I would have found the same happiness on the back of the bike. I would never have met the amazing women that are now part of my life. I would not be such a strong person without having gone through this struggle.

There are no winners in the " What If" game.

Rest- The Hardest Exercise of All

It's been a week. I've been thinking about this blog for a few days now and was going to post it last night but I lost power! Ugh! What a night! My body has been slowly recovering this week. I am in therapy with a doctor and that has helped my back. On Tuesday, I had a battle with food poisoning. I really believed I was dying.

The past few days have been very trying for me. I have missed my workouts. I think for me, its more then just staying healthy, losing weight, training for the triathlon; working out is like my daily therapy. It makes me happy. I enjoy challenging my body and seeing how it responds when I push it beyond what I "think" it can handle. Sitting on the couch has not been good for my soul.

Rest. I took it for granted. I would take a day off from the gym here and there. My idea of a rest was that I only worked out in the morning and not the evening too. Most weeks, I pushed my body past the point of exhaustion. I never felt like I was doing enough. I always feel like I should be doing more or pushing myself harder. In typical Mary fashion, it took a dramatic event for me to listen.

When I met with the doctor on Monday, he ran test and told me that I couldn't do any physical activity other then "doggie paddle" through the water. I was so mad! What about my training? All my hard work? White Lake? Damn my body for giving out on me!

When I went back in on Tuesday to get the results of my test, he said that I could swim without using my legs, bike but not run. I was like, "no running?" He was adamant about that. I also asked him if I could hurt it anymore. At first he didn't understand but then when he realized that I wanted to continue with my workouts he said the magic words that made me listen- "If you don't take care of this, there will be no White Lake." So I began therapy and being somewhat nicer to my body.

As of today, my back feels so much better. I know its not 100% and that I need to continue to be good to it but it was nice this morning to be able to tie my shoes and not groan aloud. I refuse to be standing on the sidelines at White Lake and if more rest is the training my body needs now then that's what I'll do. I am getting in some good swims and I am going to ride my bike tomorrow. The doctor gave me some instructions- stretch after ride, ice my back. I can do that. Tomorrow's ride isn't about speed but for the love of the ride! Nice and easy!

I'm getting better physically. Hopefully, I'll find some mental release on the bike tomorrow. This rest thing is killing me!!!

Pain, Pleasure, and Peace

I guess you could say I've had a little of them all this week. I probably should wait until I am in a better mood to write this post but I need to get it all out before I forget!

It's been a week. I walked into the pool Weds and Kathy was there! It was so nice to have her back swimming with me. Weds night I went over to Austin's with Jennifer for some home cooked meatloaf and sweet potatoes. While it cooked, I got in a good 3.5 mile run. It was HILLY!! Ugh but it was fun to hang out but my poor legs were toast.

Thursday morning was a good workout and I headed out of work early and spent the afternoon with Pam and the kids playing in the park. What a wonderful afternoon! I had dress rehearsal that night for the Good Friday service and I was picking Chelsea up at the airport at 12am. In between, I caught up with Kathryn who was home from her mission trip!

Friday morning, I was meeting Alex, Valerie, and Ellen at the pool! I was tired, excited and nervous. I hadn't ever swam with Ellen and the last time she saw me in the water, I was still struggling to breath right. I made it through the workout and we all were meeting up for lunch. In between, I was getting my oil changed before our big White Lake trip on Saturday. I was bending over cleaning out the front seat when I felt this blinding pain. If I was a cartoon character, there would have been stars going around my head. My back had given out. But me being me, just kept moving and figured it would work itself out. By time I got to lunch, I was miserable. It was so sore.

I slept the afternoon away and alternated between heat and ice. I headed to the Good Friday service and I was in so much pain. I had to walk up four stairs to speak and that was so painful and awkward. After church, I skipped on the outing with the group and stopped and got some more medicine and a hug from Pam. I was so upset and mad. All I wanted to do was ride on Saturday. We'd been planning it for months. Why did my body choose that moment to give out?

Saturday morning came bright and early. I was stiff and sore and still wondering if I would even be able to ride. But I was going. I packed up the car and loaded my bike and off I went to pick up Alex. I was kind of cranky too- sorry Alex!

We had a good ride to White Lake and to make a long story short, we meet up with a group from Raleigh who were riding the same route. They were great! They helped us find a place to park and it was nice to ride in a larger group-12 total. Just by looking at them, I knew there were some fast riders. My goal was to pace myself and leave something for the last 15 miles. One of the guys, gave me this stuff like biofreeze to put on my back and use along the ride. It helped and I think my back liked getting stretched out.

It was an amazing ride. I found some peace and comfort on the back of the bike. It was a good pace, beautiful scenery, sunny, and very flat. There was some wind but nothing more then a mild day on 150. Considering my back and this was our longest ride this spring, we made amazing time. I did leave something for the last 15 miles and I rocked them! I held nothing back. My last mile was as good as my first. The people we met were great! Alex and I had a fun day together and I am so proud of her! She was great on the bike! She is so ready for White Lake!

Reality and the pain in my back returned on the way home. I can't get comfortable and every day tasks are an effort. It frustrates me. I feel unwhole. I don't like this feeling and it stresses me out. I have less then one month til White Lake. I don't need this right now. Boohoo! Ugh!