The Fear

I've been thinking about this blog post a lot the past few days and this afternoon as I was half sleeping and sitting on the patio watching the rain, it came to me. A few months ago after the Women's Retreat I posted about my "issues" with believing and trusting in people. I had become desensitized to the words that others speak to me. When I thought about it back then, it troubled me. I wondered when I had become jaded and cynical. As part of my letting go and letting God, I was going to work on my trust issues and forming deeper relationships with others.

I'm not sure I've done a good job of working on this issue but I have come to some more understanding about myself. Alex made a comment to me the other week that struck home. Thanks Alex. She called me loyal. I've been thinking about that all week. I am loyal. I do have deep friendships and I believe in being good and true to those in my life that have become important to me. Sometimes even to the detriment of myself.

So what does one issue have to do with the other and where am I going with my ramblings? I believe I am not as jaded and cynical as I once thought. I am going to throw a new word out there- cautious. Part of me wants to believe and find the best in others but part of me always will hold back until my cautiousness is proved otherwise. I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I break easily even though my tough attitude and exterior give off a different vibe. When I care, I care deeply. When I love, I give what I have. When I find a friend, I work hard to build that relationship. I remain loyal. I need to be cautious because the fall down is usually very steep.

I got a call today that I was expecting but it didn't make it any easier to hear. The sad part was that it validated my cautiousness. It reminded me of why I've been holding back, why I don't always answer the phone and why I'm afraid. Sometimes I need those reminders.

As I hung up the phone and listened to the rain, a song began to play in my head. I ran in and grabbed my Ipod. For today I'll let the chorus speak to me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to give it another chance but for today I'm holding on to my cautiousness.

"I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm
meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear"

(The Fear, Lily Allen)