I May Never Understand

I didn't post a new blog entry yesterday because I needed a day to digest the events that occurred. I attended my Weight Watcher's meeting at lunch as I have done for almost three years now. I have not "officially" weighed-in(WI) since early December. The scale has not been my friend. That trend continued yesterday. I needed to WI so after my meeting, I stepped on the scale. I was feeling good. I've been tracking my food, eating healthy (even through the holidays), and have increased the intensity of my workouts. The scale owed me a good number. What I got instead was a swift kick in the butt for all my hard work. According to the scale, I have gained 55 pounds since November of 2008. So not only was 2009 a complete wash but it was a detriment to my weight loss.

Ok. I'm confused. If you had gained 55 pounds, would your pants still fit? Would you be buying smaller sizes? Wouldn't your friends and family tell you that you look like your gaining weight before it got out of control? None of those events have occurred, well, except for buying the smaller sizes. I was angry, emotional, and confused. I worked hard to lose those 55 pounds and I continue to work hard to be healthier and I admit- smaller. As I was standing on that scale, I lost my focus. I forgot about all my other victories. I felt defeated and like a big, fat, weight watcher failure.

The anger I felt was like having the devil on my shoulder. I mean if I am going to gain weight, I may as well eat the buffalo wings and the french fries. Who gains weight while eating veggie burgers, chicken and green beans? I was angry and on my way to an all out bender.

When I got back to work, all teary eyed and mad, my coworker talked me from the ledge. It all comes down to these questions- what are my goals and what do I want? Sure, I would love to be thin. I would love to see a much deserved scale victory. But those goals mean a lot less to me then the goal of completing a triathlon or running a half marathon. One of my greatest victories to date was completing 10 real push-ups. It ranks right up there with riding 100 miles in a single day. In the past three years, my goals have changed. I want to be strong. I want to be an athlete. Losing weight is just a by-product of that.

I'm not happy with those additional 55 pounds and I am going to do everything I can to get rid of them but I refuse to curl up in my Mickey Mouse Pjs and feel like a failure. I didn't binge last night. In fact, I ran 3.1 miles. Granted I was slow but I got them done. It was a great moment. Today I stuck up my middle finger at those 55 pounds by having one of the best cardio leg day workouts yet. I was a beast! It was awesome!

As I was packing up my equipment to finish my workout this morning, an older gentleman who works out in the AM pretty regularly stopped me. He told me to keep up the good work and that I was looking awesome. I wanted to ask him if he needed glasses but instead I accepted the compliment and knew I earned it.

I will never understand those 55 pounds but I will not let them stop me. They will not belittle the hard work that I have put in for the past year and the strides that I've made. I am much more then a number.