Fat Blindness

Busy day. Had a good swim this AM. It was good to have Kathy back. Alex mixed it up this morning for us. Tonight I took step with Mike which is always fun and got in 20 minutes of stairmaster intervals before class. Came home and fell asleep while I was putting on my Pjs. I was tired. My body needed the rest. I was also frustrated and upset because I had a conversation with my WW leader, Linda. I love Linda. She has helped me and kept me motivated throughout this journey but tonight I got mad. We were talking about those damn 55 pounds. And while my pants may fit, Linda does believe she can see that I've gained weight.

Fat blindness. We all have body image problems. Rarely do we look in the mirror and see what everyone else and the world sees. I see current pictures of myself and still wonder who that girl is. When I look in the mirror, I see a girl who weighs 445 pounds. On a good day, she might weigh 300 but either way, she is no true reflection of the person I really am. I rarely see the muscles I am building or the collar bones trying to make an appearance. I see the fat. I admit this is a problem and I am always trying to look in the mirror and see the changes. Some days are easier then others.

Getting on the scale last week and seeing that overall gain from last year sent me on a downhill spiral. In my mind, it validated what I see in the mirror. It allowed me to say, "see I told you I was fat. See what the scale says and the scale doesn't lie." So for the past week I have been beating myself up. Accepting and wearing those 55 pounds. Tonight when Linda told me that she could see where I had gained weight only made it worse.

I want to be more then that number on the scale. I want to remember my other victories and celebrate them. But I fear in doing that, I am only blind to the fact that I am gaining weight and I must be doing something wrong. I'm struggling tonight. I don't want to be blind but when I stare at the number, it becomes all consuming.

I have no answers and I'll weigh-in tomorrow at WW. Maybe the scale will be kind. I already know the mirror's not.